It’s not uncommon for children with sensory differences to engage in more challenging behaviors like yelling, hitting, throwing, etc. But, I know it can be really hard to know how exactly to handle these tough moments. Do you punish them? Do you yell? Do you just let it go? Let me share with you my viewpoint on discipline, and how we may need to change our perspective as parents of a child with sensory differences. 

In this blog:

• What is discipline different for children with sensory issues?
• Does time-out work for sensational children?
• How do I teach them that something like hitting is wrong?
• How does this apply to the mealtime?

Just so you know, this is based on my personal experience, opinions, and research I’ve done as a pediatric occupational therapist (however, the research I was able to find on this topic is highly outdated, therefore this specific blog is based more on my personal experience). None of the below is medical, occupational therapy, or feeding therapy advice. When you buy through links on this page, we may earn a commission. Learn more about affiliate links.

Why is discipline different for kids with sensory issues? 

Ok, I’m going to jump ahead a bit and give you the TLDR: I’m not a fan of the word discipline, especially when we’re talking about children with sensory differences.


Miriam-Webster defines disciplining as “to punish or penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character.” So I have a question for you - is that your goal? To enforce obedience? Is that the skill you are focusing on to help your child become a highly functioning adult? If it is, you do you! But, I’d like to give you a different perspective 👇.

For me, I don’t want my son to just be obedient in life. Of course, I want him to be kind and be able to act accordingly in different social situations. But more importantly, I want him to want to be kind, and be empathetic to how his actions might make other people feel. At the same time, I want him to be advocating for himself and taking care of his body - not only doing what other people tell him. So that he is taken care of both mentally and physically. 

But, let’s look at discipline from a sensory perspective.

 When it comes to children experiencing sensory issues, acting out often looks like hitting, throwing, yelling, stomping, or biting. Our first thought is often to yell “NO!,” or punish kids to help teach them that these aren’t acceptable things to do, as they hurt or negatively affect other people.

But here’s the thing -  for children with sensory differences these actions often come from an unmet sensory need. 

In fact, hitting, biting, stomping and throwing are all a form of proprioceptive input. Proprioception is calming to the body, and helps our sensory thermometers cool back down to our just-right temperature. Often, when children engage in one of these actions, it’s actually their brains attempting to regulate their body.


Other times, they may be using it as a form of communication. Did you know that when we get overstimulated our fight-or-flight response can kick in? When this happens, our brain works on conserving energy. In those moments, our brain is focused on survival, and we often fight (hit, throw, bite, etc), flight (run away, cry), or freeze. During these times, we often can’t find the words to effectively communicate. Think about a time you were in a fight with someone and just totally said the wrong thing. And if we as adults can’t do this, think about how hard it is for a child! They communicate in whatever way they can at that moment…even hitting.

When we discipline a child through punishment - like yelling, or taking away toys is what we’re doing going to change anything? Maybe they realize it was wrong, most children do…but there’s still that unmet sensory need, or the underlying need to communicate.

So next time they get dysregulated or overstimulated, chances are - they're probably going to do the same thing again, even though they know they’re not supposed to...because their body is looking to calm itself. The problem is - when we just punish or discipline, we don't teach them how to respond in a more appropriate way, so they go back to what they know.

 

Does time-out work for children with sensory issues?

Time-out is another form of discipline commonly used by parents.This one is an interesting debate. Some parents find that their child seems to calm down during time-out, and become more regulated, while others notice that their child tends to escalate. 

When a child is sent to “time-out” it’s usually to a place that is quieter and less stimulating. For some children, this is exactly what their brain needs to calm down.

 

On the other hand, when punished, or sent to “time-out” other children escalate and become more unregulated - especially if their sensory needs are still unmet.

So again I ask you - what is the purpose? Is it just to punish them? Personally, I haven’t found that very effective with the families I support. Instead, I believe it’s way more effective to replace “time-outs” with “calm-downs.”

In this case, we’re providing children with the opportunity to learn how to regulate and “calm-down” their body. We’re teaching real skills here - helping them identify when their body is “out-of-sync” before they get to the meltdown. I don’t know about you, but I know quite a bit of adults who could have benefitted from learning this skill as a child.


I suggest creating a small space in your home, where your child can go to calm down. In this space (usually called a “calm down corner”) you can provide small objects and toys you have noticed help them deescalate. For example, many children benefit from darker spaces or toys they can snuggle. 

Some parents have a hard time with this idea, because they think of it as a “reward.” But when you personally overwhelmed and overstimulated, does getting yelled at help you? Probably not. In most cases, it just causes you to POP. Instead, what you usually need is time to recollect yourself and calm down. So why don’t we give kids that opportunity too?

 

How do I teach my child that something like hitting is wrong?

I don’t want you to leave here thinking that we’re just going to say it’s ok for a child to hit, bite, etc. just because they have an unmet sensory need.


But instead of just punishing them, we’re going to teach them how to meet that need in a way that’s more appropriate. So that way, when they feel the need to hit or bite next time, they know exactly what they can do instead.

⚠️ Important tip: In the moment when they're having a meltdown, kids are usually not in the best place to learn. At that point, they’re usually too unregulated. Of course, it’s important to intervene and make sure that everyone is safe, and to stop the hitting. But the magic actually happens afterwards, when your child is calm.

That’s when I recommend teaching them an alternative. For example:

• If you feel like you need to hit something, we can go outside and hit bubbles
  
  
• If you need to bite something, tell me “bite” and I’ll give you something to bite
  
  
• If you need to throw something, we can throw your stuffed animals into this bin

Essentially, we want to give them a really easy way to meet that sensory need, that’s more appropriate. This will probably take some time to become automatic. It may not (and probably won't) work the first, second, or even third time, since their immediate response is usually to hit, throw, etc. But the more we offer these options before the hitting or throwing, and the more we talk about it when they are calm, the better their chances are for learning this new skill.

It might also take some trial and error to find the right alternative for your child. 

How does this apply to mealtime?

Mealtime battles are tough. And many parents wonder if punishing their child can be helpful for encouraging them to eat new foods.

For example, many parents ask me if they should send their child to bed without dinner if they didn’t eat. Or if they should withhold desserts.

In my opinion, this only worsens the mealtime battles. When a child has sensory differences, foods often don’t feel safe for their body. For example, the texture or smell of a food might make them want to gag. 

By trying to pressure them to eat that food, we kickstart that fight or flight response, which makes them even less likely to explore the food or eat it. 

When it comes to the table, our goal is to help a child feel safe around new foods, so we can encourage exploration! 

Instead of disciplining, I prefer:

• Always including a safe food on their plate so they have something they can and will eat at dinner
  
  
• Offering a bedtime snack that’s well rounded with a fruit or veggie & protein
  
  
• Considering offering dessert with mealtime - this takes the battle about dessert of the table, and often opens kids up to exploring the rest of their plate

But you don’t have to do this all alone, my classes can help! I’ll teach you exactly what going on in your child’s body when they’re dysregulated, and how you can make small changes that support their unique body! Check them out here! 

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