THE SENSORY MADE SIMPLE PODCAST

Transcript

Hello, and welcome back to episode 19 of the Food Explorers Podcast.

I cannot believe we're already 19 episodes in.

I wanna give a really big thank you to each and every one of you who has rated and reviewed the podcast or who has shared it with a friend.

I so appreciate you taking the time to help me connect with other families who might be struggling with eating as well.

So we can help them bring the magic back into mealtime too.

Today's episode is one that has been requested a lot.

Today, we are talking all about how to handle challenging situations with family members or friends when they comment on how you feed, discipline, or parent your child.

I wanna start this episode with a little bit of empathy.

I know how hard this can be when family members, friends, or even well-meaning strangers make a comment about the way you or your family function.

I've been on the receiving end of comments like these as well.

And it doesn't feel good.

It can leave you feeling judged, protective, and on edge.

And often, it impacts your relationship with that person because it kind of feels like you need to have a wallop to protect yourself.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

And in this episode, I'm going to share a couple tips for handling challenging situations like this.

Before I get in to what you can say and how you can respond, I do want to talk a little bit about mindset, where they are coming from, and what may be going on inside your own mind.

Number one, the very first thing I think is important to realize is that the majority of the time, these comments are coming from well-meaning individuals who try to be helpful.

It might come from your spouse, your grandparents, or friends who believe that they have a better answer for you and how to help your child.

These usually come in the form of, well, I did so and so, and you turned out fine.

Now, more often than not, you've already tried those options and they haven't worked for you.

If those worked as easily as everyone thinks, you'd probably already be on your way to ending those meal time battles.

Hint, they don't work well for kids with feeding challenges.

Mindset-wise for you, it can be helpful to acknowledge that they are trying to help and coming from a place of concern.

Immediately, you might think, ugh, why can't they just mind their own business and let us be?

But I challenge you to counter that by first taking a deep breath and focus on breathing out, because breathing out is actually what stimulates our body to relax.

Then try this conversation in your head instead.

Wow, they must really care about my child, and that's why they are trying to give me suggestions.

Those might not work for my family, but it's so nice that they care so much about us.

Is this going to change that their comments aren't particularly helpful for you?

Not really, but changing to this mindset is going to help you calm down your own fight or flight response and body to better handle this situation and respond accordingly to them.

Number two, next, in order to feel really good about handling and responding to these situations, you need to feel confident in the methods you are taking to help your child.

So a lot of the time, these situations are triggering because you don't feel confident.

They kind of make you wonder, am I doing this wrong?

Should I be forcing them?

Should I be doing one bite rules?

And so it kind of leaves you spiraling.

But when you feel confident in the path you are taking and what you are doing to help your child, these comments aren't quite as impactful because you already know you are taking the best steps to help your personal child.

So this is when it can be very helpful to join a program or reach out for more personal help to your doctor or a feeding professional, like an OT, speech therapist, or dietician.

You can feel more confident about the pathway you're taking because you're working with someone who knows how to respond to children who struggle to eat.

That leads me to point number three.

Most of these well-meaning friends and family who offer unsolicited advice have never had or worked with a child with feeding challenges.

So it's really easy to judge someone's parenting from the outside when you yourself have never been through it.

It's kind of like how you never thought you would be the parent who lets your child eat junk food or have screen time, but then when you're a parent yourself, you understand why people chose to do those things.

So they haven't been in your shoes.

They've never encountered what you're going through.

And if you know me well, and you've been in the Dr.

Sam community for a while, you know that I don't believe that feeding challenges are merely caused by parenting choices.

Usually, there is something else going on inside your child's body that is causing eating to be challenging for them.

So when they give you advice about how they raised their children, it's not really apples to apples.

It's more like apples to strawberries.

It's totally different.

The methods that work for them likely aren't going to work the same way for you.

And that's okay.

They're coming from a different place with different experiences.

Number four, you need to know your boundaries.

Before you can respond, you need to sit down and really think, what are my boundaries?

Do I want to talk to family members about this?

Do I not want my child eating to be mentioned at all?

So when we're wishy-washy about our boundaries, it leads to confusion and often more fighting.

So you need to be clear on what your boundaries are so you can draw this line with your family.

Side note, I know the boundary talk can be really challenging.

JR and I recently had to draw some boundaries of our own that honestly we should have done way earlier, but we were scared because we didn't want to ruin the relationship.

But what surprised us was that when we set our boundaries and consistently kept to it, our relationship with these people got better because we were way less annoyed with them and the triggering situation for us no longer came up.

Did it happen overnight?

No.

Was it easy?

No.

Did they get upset?

A little, but JR and I approached it as a team and it helped us improve our relationship with them overall.

Alrighty, now how do you handle it?

What can you say?

Well, let's break this down into an actual situation.

You're at a family barbecue at your sister-in-law's house and your mother-in-law comes over to your child.

She tells your son or daughter that they need to eat their vegetables and tries to put a couple on your child's plate.

When they react and say, I don't want that, she responds with, oh, you're so picky, if it was my house, I would.

Or here's another example.

You're getting ready for family dinner and you pull a special meal out of your bag for your child because you know they absolutely will not eat anything at the barbecue.

And your sister comments, why did you bring food with you?

We have so much food here.

When you explain to her why, she tells you that you need to stop catering to your child and they just need to learn to eat what is served to them.

These are two scenarios that happen pretty commonly with the families I work with.

Now, what are some ways we can handle this?

First, again, take that breath.

When your body goes straight into fight or flight, which most likely it will in these situations, it's hard to handle it.

Then, there are a couple different things I like to say in response.

These aren't going to work for everyone, but consider if one of these might be right for you.

Number one, please don't comment on my child's eating in front of them.

In fact, we prefer not to talk about their eating habits at all.

Everyone has their own food preference and we are working toward creating a happy and healthy relationship with food.

Number two, I appreciate that you are trying to help, but that actually doesn't work for our family.

We are learning from a professional who specializes in feeding and appreciate your support.

Number three, we're still learning to eat new foods.

I appreciate you respecting how our family has decided to work on this.

Number four, I'm so glad that worked for you or your family, but children who struggle to eat need some more support.

We've done some research, and this is the approach we've chosen to follow.

Number five, I love that you care so much about me and my child.

I'm already focusing on the eating portion, but I would love for you to spend some time doing blank.

Choose something you know that will really make your child happy.

That would be so helpful for me, and I know they would love it.

And number six, I know you have a ton of food here, and it looks so wonderful.

I'm excited to try everything.

One day, I know my child will be too, but right now, they need this extra support to help them feel safe at the table.

Thank you so much for understanding and for your support.

I'm so happy we get to spend this special day together.

So I think you get the gist here, but I like to kindly and firmly state my boundary in a gentle way.

Now, I do think it's important to recognize many people will get upset when you first set your boundaries and enforce them.

But here's what I also like to remember.

First, it's okay for you to be upset about a comment that is made to you.

Family might try to tell you you're being too sensitive or overreacting, but no, it is okay for you to feel however you feel.

Your feelings are valid.

Second, it's okay for them to be upset.

When someone enforces a boundary with us, it doesn't usually feel good.

We get a little defensive and even upset that we may have hurt someone's feelings and a little hurt ourselves that they don't want our advice or opinion.

Remember, their feelings are valid too, and it's okay for them to be upset.

But it's not okay for them to cross your boundaries if they want to continue a happy relationship with you and your child.

So I'm not saying this is definitely the way to go or that these will 100% work with your family, but these are the ones I have personally found to be helpful.

I would love to know what you thought of this episode and how you personally handle these situations with your family.

So head over to at DrSamGoldman on Instagram and send me a DM.

I would just love to hear from you.

I'll see you there.