#53 - Yell Less, Connect More: Trauma-Informed Parenting with Stefanie Fernandes

Sam: Hello friend. Welcome back to the Food Explorers podcast

for our very last episode of the year.

And we're going out with a bang a little heads up.

I'll be taking the last two weeks of the year off

and then the podcast will pick right back up either the

first or second week of January.

I'm deep into yearly planning right now, so I would love

to know if there's any topics

or special guests you would love

to see in the podcast in 2024.

Head over to at Dr.

Sam Goldman on Instagram

and send me a little message to know

what topics you would be interested in.

Okay, back to today's episode.

I am beyond excited

to introduce this week's guest, Stephanie Fernandez.

We met a couple years back through Instagram

and I was instantly drawn to her parenting values

and tips JR.

And I actually traveled to Copenhagen this past year,

so we got to meet Stephanie in person

and she's everything I expected

and more so I am really just delighted

to share her message on the podcast when it comes to wanting

to yell less as a parent or parenting trauma.

She is incredible.

I honestly had a hard time limiting my questions

for this episode because I just had so many.

I know so many of you can relate to the feeling of wanting

to positive parent or use positive discipline

and promising yourself.

You're not going to yell,

but then life just becomes too overstimulating, especially

with a sensational child and you kind of lose it.

Stephanie shared so many amazing techniques in this episode

with us that I know I'll be using when the day comes that JR

and I become parents and that I will use with my clients

and even my nieces and nephews.

Now, I've already been using one

of her tips about responding when I instantly feel an

emotion and it's been so helpful,

but I don't wanna give away too much.

You'll hear it in the episode.

So without further ado,

let me tell you a little bit about Stephanie

as a cycle starter,

Stephanie is passionate about teaching mothers in all stages

of motherhood, effective tools for better wellbeing

and a deeper connection with their children.

She's convinced that the quality

of the relationship a mom has with herself

determines the quality of the relationship she

has with her child.

It all starts with us as mothers, even before conception

and birth as a therapist,

Stephanie facilitates deep healing, often generational

of childhood trauma

that still manifest in dysfunctional parenting patterns such

as yelling, shaming, or emotional neglect.

Stefanie’s mission is to help raise a

healthier next generation.

Ah, okay. I am so excited. Let's get to the show.

Sam: Hey Stephanie, I am so excited to have you here today.

So excited to hear all of your parenting tips and advice

and about everything you're doing right now.

Before we start, because I know you

and I have chatted quite a bunch, so I just wanna dive in,

but can you give us a little introduction to

who you are and what you do?

Stefanie: Hi Samantha. Thank you for having me. Um, yeah, of course.

My name is Stephanie Fernandez.

I live in Copenhagen, Denmark with my boys.

They're six and four,

and I'm married to a guy who is from Portugal.

So we are an international family

that raises third culture kids

and I'm a parenting coach, a therapist that is certified in

RTT and BWRT.

It's not very important like what this is.

I just help parents to yell less mostly.

Sam: Oh, I love that. And we are definitely getting into

that today, but something else

that you are very passionate about

that you've talked about a lot is actually trauma-informed

parenting, which I find super interesting.

So for those people in our community who maybe don't know

what that is, can you give a little introduction to that

and what led you there?

Stefanie: Yeah, so the yelling less is the gateway, um,

into the work that I do

because often we as parents,

I mean if you are not in a mental health field,

you don't really know if you have trauma or what trauma is

and how it shows up, but it does show up as not being able

to, um, regulate your emotions in a healthy way.

And that often shows up as yell as yelling.

So trauma is when something that happened to you

that made your body completely overwhelmed

and you didn't know how to deal with it, it doesn't need

to be the same thing for everyone.

Like a car accident can be traumatizing.

And then you have something that's called PTSD

and then you can have a car accident

and you are not harmed physically

and you are also mentally okay.

You can just work through it by telling someone about it.

They are first responders, they talk to you about it

and you go home and you are good.

So it's not really what happens to us.

It's mostly what our body and our mind makes of it.

When something happens to us that is too overwhelming

for our system to process.

And I specialize in complex PTSD,

which is a trauma that happens in early childhood

of over a long period of time.

So it's not really that one of thing like a car accident,

even though I do also help moms who have birth trauma.

When there was this one incident at birth

that was really traumatizing,

then I also help resolving that.

But mostly what shows up as a problem in our relationships

with our kids is complex PTSD when it's not resolved.

Sam: Oh, that's so interesting.

I did not realize that you specialized specifically in

that complex one.

So can you tell us a little more about that?

What kind of, what kind

of complex PTSD things have you seen that might be common

for people if they're kind of wondering?

Stefanie: Yeah, a lot of people that I work with, um, they,

they say to me, no, I had a good childhood.

Like, everything was fine until we dig a little bit deeper

because a lot of people think, you know, if you were not,

if you didn't experience physical violence,

if your parents didn't spank you,

if you had food on the table, then things were good.

However, there's a big part which, um,

is the emotional neglect in childhood.

Like someone didn't know how to respond to your tantrums

as a 4-year-old, didn't know how to coach you through,

um, that breakup

with your best friend when you were seven in school,

feeling alone with big emotions as a child

over a long period of time, many, many years, when

that becomes the norm, that is complex.

PTSD. And then these are moms who don't know how

to stay comfortable with uncomfortable feelings.

And we all have those uncomfortable feelings.

The frustration, the um, the anger.

Anger is very uncomfortable.

We are just trying then to mask it

with even more anger or sadness.

Um, then another thing that I see a lot that is, uh,

a symptom of complex PTSD is actually the, the numbing.

So when you know the thing that, um, I don't know,

parents say, I'm not, I'm not,

uh, worth anything here.

I do everything for everyone

and I just don't do anything anymore.

It's that fun response in the, in the nervous system.

It's like I completely give up

and then I also give up feeling my feelings,

and then I'm not even fighting anyone anymore.

I just feel worthless. I feel invalue.

I don't feel that people appreciate what I do in this house,

and I just give up and I'm not feeling anything.

I'm not feeling the bad feelings,

but I'm also not feeling the good feelings.

I completely shut down.

So that's also a symptom of, um, C-P-T-S-D.

Sam: Oh my goodness. I can think of

so many parents

who have said those exact words to me before.

So I think it's maybe even more common than we,

we pick up on sometimes.

And I think that's really interesting that you've said a lot

of the times when they come to you, they don't even realize

that they've had these experiences in the past.

It's actually starting as they're coming to you for anger

or for numbness or for something else.

Stefanie: Yeah, very interesting is also when they come to me

and say, you need to fix my child

because they have a problem with their tantrums.

There's something is not normal.

They're not sleeping at night.

Our neighbors must think that we are a mad family.

Like the noise level in our house is unbelievable.

There's something wrong with them. So please, what do I do?

Help me fix them. And I don't work on behavior.

I work with underlying reasons.

And there's always a reason why kids

show these sort of behaviors.

And they're very difficult for every parent.

They are like the, the tantrums, even though you,

you try everything that's written in the books,

what you need to say to validate what you need to do

to give space to stay with them.

But if you feel so overwhelmed

and the tantrums, they come in close, um,

periods or they are taking a long time until they are done

or they happen in, in in Costco or you are in Tesco

and you are on the checkout line

and you just want this to stop you

and you, you feel like I'm the only one

who has such a child.

I'm the only one who doesn't know how to deal with that.

And it's not true. It's, but what, that's what we see.

We just see things that we want to see

and we always look for the proof.

I'm a bad mom.

I I have a bad child, so please, can you fix my child?

And then we do the inner work,

then we deep dive depending on if the parent is ready for

that because that also means, you know, we need to

do some introspection and then look at our own behaviors.

Because our behaviors as, as moms, as parents,

they do influence our kids' behavior if we are

yelling around in the morning

because they, they don't get up, they don't get ready

for school, they don't eat the breakfast,

they still didn't brush their teeth.

I mean, but then we cannot expect that they are calm

and they're not yelling when they're overwhelmed.

So the mirror neurons that our children have,

they work really well.

So they also work well when we are calm

and when we are relaxed and when we're solution oriented.

Sam: Oh, I am all about the co-regulation, you know, that,

let's talk a little bit more about that moms

who yell too much because I think that that is

so relatable.

I think so many of the moms I talk to, even, you know,

our friends, our family, I've heard so many

of the parents in our lives say, I wanna yell less.

Yeah. And I think that's so relatable,

but like you started to say, we often shift

that blame to the kids.

We yell because our kids do this, we yell because of this.

So what is that connection that you've kind

of put together about working on yourself as a parent

and then how that carries over to kids Also,

I know we talked about those motor neurons,

but can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Stefanie: Yeah.

Um, so we are all great parents Before we had kids,

we all have those, you know, amazing weekends

where we are just relaxed

and we're on a couch with our spouse and we have dinner

and we go to the movies

or we, um, go to the, to the museum

and everything is fine.

And then we have kids and all of a sudden we, like,

I didn't recognize myself anymore.

Like, who is this person? Who am I, I'm talking like this.

I sound like my mother. Uh, this is not me.

The, that's when the first impulse is.

Well, I was well before I had kids, so you trigger me.

So there must be something with you. And that's true.

I mean, a relationship is always two ways.

There is a dynamic here, however, it's not about blame,

but because we feel so uncomfortable with who we are,

who we become, how we show up with the people

that we love most, this is like a threat to the self.

So we immediately with the blame on the child,

because it just feels safer for us.

However, there's also a lot of guilt

and shame around yelling too much,

which is also a threat to the self.

But our children just show us things that we didn't see

before because there was no trigger.

It didn't mean, it doesn't mean that it wasn't there before.

It was just not, it didn't have to come out.

It that survival mechanism of yelling,

it is a survival mechanism to find a new place in the family

as a mom, as, as a woman, as a person

that is just triggered by these new little human.

Now if we have the ability to look beyond,

well actually that little person,

four-year-old three-year-old

or a crying infant, I mean,

they're not doing anything on purpose.

They cannot even manipulate that much.

Like it's not possible cognitively when a lot

of parents say there's so manipulative, they do this

because they know they get what they want.

It's actually not the case.

But whe so we need to step a little bit out of

what we believe children are.

Are they inherently good or do they have flaws?

Like do they manipulate and are they bad people?

So we, that's the shift that someone that works

with me needs to already do before they work with me

because otherwise the concept

how I work doesn't hold for them.

Um, I can guide parents into the, you know, um,

kind of letting go of that belief that my,

there's something wrong with my child

or they do that on purpose,

but actually they come into this world without any agenda.

They, the only agenda they have actually

is to connect with us.

And if that triggers us, then there's something that happens

in our childhood that is became an implicit memory in our

body that is being reactivated.

Ooh, that really feels uncomfortable.

And if we go a little bit deeper, a lot

of the times parents say, well, I was never allowed

to talk back, so I get really triggered when they talk back

because this is disrespectful.

Well, if we

isolate the situation from your own experience,

is it really disrespectful?

Maybe it is according to your values

and standards of how you want to talk to

and how you talk to your child.

But then we need to shift from the blame of, you know,

don't be so disrespectful

and punishment to, how could you say that differently?

And a lot of what kids learn just need a lot of repetition

and they, they don't remember things just

because we say once at dinner, can you please say please,

when you want a glass of water?

I don't want you to banding. I want that you ask nicely.

So we, and we need to also ask nicely, I only need

to ask nicely my husband, would you mind getting up

and bring me a fork please because I don't have one.

Or do I sit down and say, look

who put the table, I don't have a fork.

Great. That's just, that's just a lot of, um,

there is the, that's actually where the connection is.

So if we work on ourselves, our kids see us as a role model

and they see that having big feelings is actually okay.

Like mommy has big feelings,

but she's not hurting anyone with them.

She's not yelling too much.

I'm still angry and it's a normal feeling to have

and I get very frustrated.

And I also don't like a lot

of things my 6-year-old does or says.

But truth is I don't have to like everything that he does

or says I don't.

And that's when we sometimes get it a bit wrong

and we are stuck in a one way road.

I feel as parents is when we feel,

but I don't like what you do.

Well okay, but you don't have to.

You can still say, I can still say we just finished dinner

and my 6-year-old had a hard day at school

and he was really unpleasant to have dinner with.

And what I said was, well, the way you talk to your brother,

I can see that you're very unregulated.

You are not feeling well. Could that be?

And he starts crying, like his whole

anger that was there to protect him before just fell off.

And he's, he san back in his chair

and he said, I had this fight with my best friend,

it was really hard and now you picked me up early today

and I couldn't resolve it.

And that's why he was talking to his brother in

a really unpolite manner.

But me telling him to stop talking to his brother, like

that would not solve anything.

It would just shame him for feeling that something

that he's not even aware of.

The moment, the moment I give him space

and the opportunity actually to feel the,

the moment, this is the moment when he just relaxes.

So maybe I have lost my train

of thought here what I wanted to say.

No, that's the exactly, that's the link.

The link is we have to stay calm

and, um, also grounded in ourselves so

that our kids can develop healthily with their emotions.

And it's just so important that they feel those emotions.

Parents tell me, but they are so angry.

And I say, that's a good thing, it's good it comes out,

but maybe we can look at what's underneath that anger.

Because if we only focus on the anger,

you are not helping your child.

So you need to be calm

and don't feel threatened by their anger or their tantrums

or their unpolite words

and then they trust you to open up.

Sam: Oh my gosh, that story hit me in the heart so hard. Yeah.

Oh, but it's also such a great example of

what you were talking about where

behavior's, a form of communication.

There was something under there, there was that more. Yeah.

And when you got to it mm-hmm.

I mean it totally changed your entire,

the entire table. Yeah.

Stefanie: Yeah. And I didn't even have to assume anything

or I just said, what I hear is

that you are not feeling well the

way you talk to your brother.

And that was all I ever have to say to him when he is

unpolite or really frustrated and stressed.

That's all I say and it always works.

Sam: That’s so sweet. So another thing

that you mentioned in there that really kind of stuck out

to me was talking about how as a parent we,

we feel it

and we feel stuff kick in when

your child is having a hard time

and you're like, that trigger wasn't there before.

And something my sister had once said to me

that also stuck in my mind is

as she had her first child going through toddlerhood,

she's like, I have never felt my fight

or flight response get so activated so quick

as when my toddler has a meltdown.

So that totally stuck out

to me when you were talking about you need to learn how

to regulate yourself so that you can help them.

Stefanie: And that's the hardest. That is the hardest.

Sam: And that kind of leads me into my next question with you

that I think most people know, the feeling

of getting up in the morning promising yourself

today is going to be the day

that you are not going to lose it.

You're gonna keep your cool no matter what happens.

And then you go through your day and you burst.

You know, a lot of the times that fight

or flight response kicks in, it gets too overwhelming.

Why does this happen when parents have the best

intentions Yeah.

Not letting it happen.

Stefanie: Yeah. And I know that I, I know that

it can be so disappointing when you feel bad,

I don't want this

and I really, really, really promise myself

and my child to be better next time and to do better,

but I just can't.

And that's a, that's the perfect sign

that there's something else going on

that you just cannot with.

Even though intentions are amazing,

they can really set you up for a beautiful day

and they make you aware

and you are, um, it's a bit like the,

the small gratitude exercises that we can do at the end

of the day, intentions in the morning can really help.

However, we cannot

and should not underestimate the fact

that we are also just humans that come with a whole lot

of programming before we had kids.

So when parents, even though they have the best intentions,

still are overly angry and,

and respond in ways that they can control,

that's when I use a tool

that's called brain working recursive therapy,

where we go into that little window

between stimulus and response.

This is the same thing

that happens when I throw your ball and you catch it.

It's so automated you don't even think or you drive

and you know exactly which, uh, foot you need to use.

And if you look in the, in the mirrors,

you exactly know what to do.

You are not even thinking about it.

So that automatic response is the same thing that happens

with the yelling and the outbursts.

If there is a stimulus that your brain identifies as, oh,

this happened before, I know what we need to do,

we just yell because last time it worked

because they stopped.

Or I know this works

because my mom used to yell like this and I stopped.

So it does work on a behavior level,

but it doesn't make us feel good.

But there is this, this circuit in the, the, in the brain,

the neuron, the neurons are there, they're wired together,

or you know, this is

what your child does, and then you yell.

And in this little window that we consciously cannot detect

because it, it's like my flip, my lid flips like this,

Stephanie, I cannot even, I don't even notice.

So you're telling me I need to breathe

and I need to count till five

and I need to step out of the room

and I just need to take some time for myself.

I don't even notice all

of a sudden I'm there in the red from the green.

Um, and that's where this BWRT method that I use,

it's a bit similar to EMDR is where we des anize.

This sensitize the mind towards the trigger.

So your child can do whatever they want

and you just don't respond anymore

because your brain doesn't remember there is a

need for fight or flight.

It's just not there. And that's when true calmness

helps with your child.

So you don't even have to fake it.

You don't even have to pretend being nice.

You because they notice,

they notice when your body is tight.

My little one used to say,

when we made pancakes on Saturday morning, why are you, um,

clenching your jaw, mommy, I didn't even notice.

And I was always so tense with him

because the smallest thing that I did wrong,

like if the pancake tore a little bit,

it was too brown on one side, if I used the wrong tool

to flip it over, like

what small things would set him off, like completely.

And I was of course always tense

because I wanted to make everything right

and not to have that tantrum at seven 30

on a Saturday morning.

And I didn't notice that I would clench my jaw.

That was just a response from my body to kind of try to cope

with it, to, to tighten up even more so

that I could just keep it inside.

And I thought, I'm calm. But he knew,

he felt you are not calm mommy only

you are only calm when your body's not reacting.

And even though we are having the best intentions,

sometimes when we see it's not working,

we just need a little bit of a different help so

that we also see some, you know, progress

because that's what we need also as moms, we also need

to see, well, there is some positive progress.

I now I can actually handle it.

Something else might come up,

but I am not stuck in the same pattern that I used to be.

Um, and that can give us a good feeling.

So we also need that.

We need sometimes a little help that pulls us out

and shows us a different way.

Sam: Yeah, getting out of that pattern that makes so much sense

that it's like an automatic yeah, an automatic switch.

So there was also a post on your Instagram kind of way back

as I was scrolling through that got my attention about

how it only takes 90 seconds for the emotion

to be felt and completed.

Mm-Hmm. That scene when I was reading that, I was like,

that is so little

and yet it feels like we feel it for way

for way longer than this.

Mm-Hmm. Can you tell us more?

Stefanie: It’s, yeah, it's something that, um,

sounds a bit unconventional.

Like can this be really true?

Are you just saying that to calm me down or, or what?

Especially the tantrums of my child, they seem

to take longer than 90 seconds.

The thing is that if they take longer,

if the feeling stays in the body longer than one

and a half minutes, then there is another thought

that triggers another feeling.

So that's when we are in the, when we are in the,

the hamster wheel of thoughts.

First it starts with, nobody appreciates me here.

Why am I actually cooking dinner?

They're not even eating it.

Then you sit down and they're really not eating it.

And then you go like in your head, and I spend all this time

and I spent all this money.

And that feeds the feeling and it feeds it more and more.

And you feed it for more than one and a half minutes

because you cognitively in your mind you don't let go.

But also subconsciously you have all these memories

that are popping up from way before last week.

The same thing happened again.

The, it's, I'm tired

and I promised myself I will not cook lasagna on a weeknight

weekday night because I'm too tired and it's too much work.

And here I am again. Why are you doing this, Stephanie?

So you're just feeding the feeling.

And that's why it stays longer

if you really isolate the thought

and go like, what, what is actually bothering me?

Why am I so angry about this?

Oh, it's because I didn't, uh, honor my own boundaries.

I remember I said, I'm not going

to cook lasagna on a weekday night,

and here I am, so I can also just stop.

I'm not finishing this. The bologne,

a sausage just goes to the freezer.

We cook it on a weekend, we have something else instead.

Um, when with kids, the intensity

of the feeling is of,

of course it's much stronger than with adults.

So it feels like these 90 seconds, they're like two hours,

especially when you're out in public.

But if you, you can start putting the time on your phone

and you'll be surprised if you don't feed the tantrum

as a parent with like, stop it now.

And it's always the same. And I'm not bringing

you to Costco anymore.

And I'm, I already said we're not buying anything.

This is how you feed the feeling and the tantrum.

Of course then it stays longer.

It takes longer for the child to calm down.

But if you're just calm, just validate.

I promise you it doesn't even take 90 seconds

to put the timer on your phone

and just wait and it will be gone.

Sam: Oh, I love that. I am so interested

to hear when our parents here, try that out, how long

it actually goes if you don't continue and,

'cause I can totally relate to the spiral, right?

Like, one thing leads to another thought, leads

to another thought, but if I just stopped at

that one first thought, what would happen?

Oh, I can't wait to try this. Let's see.

So any tips for that first thought?

So, or especially I, I know a lot

of the parents are probably wondering right now with

the kids having the meltdowns, any tips for when they have

that first thing when it starts managing those

and not continuing the cycle?

Stefanie: Mm-Hmm.

Don't try to stop it.

It's actually a good thing that feelings come out

that they don't suppress them.

Because in the long run this can re lead to depression

not being able to feel the feelings

or to a heightened response, which, um, we often see then

with younger kids as anxieties.

So if your child has a meltdown

and you can already see that it's going to start, what I say

to my son is, I can see you're not feeling well

from your face, facial expression, what's going on?

Sometimes he hates when I do this, just leave me alone.

So that already shows that I'm invading his space.

He needs more space. Okay, so I just give you space.

I'm here when you need me.

Wait for this very first intense wave,

because they don't hear you.

They cannot, their brain doesn't absorb anything you're

saying and you don't have to say anything.

Actually, what we are trying often is just to console them,

explain them why we, why we decide

that they cannot have a candy before dinner.

All the smart reasons we have as adults,

they're just in vain.

Just don't say anything. You don't have to.

Because what they often feel

with the big tantrums is this mini grief, I wanted this

so badly and now there is a bigger person

that I actually love and trust.

And they say, no, how is this even possible?

And then comes the wave of sadness and anger.

And all you have to do is to sit it out.

And it doesn't take long.

As soon as they are a little bit calmer, you can start

by naming what you see.

I see you cried really heavily. I see that.

I heard that you, you were really loud,

like your body was really loud and you yelled what happened?

I'm, I'm wondering what happened in your body

with very young kids.

It helps to say things like,

was there a w volcano in your stomach

or was there a fire in your chest

or was there fog in your head?

Like whatever it is,

however your child likes to describe how,

what they're feeling that sometimes helps them

with the sensations and that's all you have to do.

And don't try to immediately teach them

what else they could do because

that overwhelms them as well.

So the first thing really is just to give them space

to have their big feelings, to name them,

to teach them, okay, this was anger.

I saw you, you were very angry. How did it feel in the body?

Little printouts on the on the walls help to point out,

was this how you felt or was it more like this?

And on a very calm moment at bedtime or in the morning

or um, later during the week, you can say,

you remember on Monday when you didn't want

to leave the house in the morning because it was snowing

and you were cold and you were still tired,

you got really upset.

What could you do next time when you're

so upset instead of yelling?

'cause the yelling that didn't make you

feel much better did it.

And that helps to the child

to isolate the behavior from the self.

If we give them more time,

if we don't immediately in the moment try

to teach them other coping mechanisms,

especially when they're very young,

that was just the behavior that they had.

And now we are talking about

what else they could do instead.

And that is not, doesn't feel like a threat to the self

or shaming that actually feels okay,

this is so long ago, mommy.

Especially for children. I don't even re,

I don't even connect myself to that situation anymore,

but next time I'm angry, I could maybe just tell you

I'm really angry and frustrated.

I have to leave and I need a hug.

Because a hug always makes me feel better.

And don't be surprised if it al doesn't always work.

So here we really need also patience for the repetition.

Sam: Oh, so good. And as an ot of course, I love

that this is working on that vent interoceptive sense too,

our sense of emotion and body feelings and connecting them.

Oh, so good. So I know as we sit here, there is at least

one mom out there who is feeling so heard,

but is also struggling

because she feels like she yells too much

and that does make her feel kind

of like you said, like she's struggling.

Like she's feeling those big feelings for parents. Yeah.

What's something you wanna leave her with today?

Stefanie: The best tool I think while we heal

and while we learn new ways of behaving

and new ways of responding, is the tool of repairing.

Really learn how to repair with your child.

Apologize for the fact that you yelled, explain them.

That has nothing to do with them.

But that mommy just never really learned how

to deal with overwhelm.

I tell my child, well, I'm learning

as almost 40-year-old woman, I'm learning how

to regulate my emotions just like you

and I think we're learning together.

And the other day he said, well,

I think I'm already better than you are.

And that's true. And we sit there and I apologize.

And I ask him how it made him feel and he gets it out.

And I also allow him to say to, to call me out

and to say, you know, mommy, you need to stop yelling it.

It's not good when we yell, remember?

So the, the tool of repairing really opens up that

communication and the connection with your child

that often the yelling stops.

Like when we yell, our child shuts down,

we're in disconnection with them when we apologize.

And we also promised them

that we are really doing our best and that we are learning.

I have a coach, I told them, I have a coach and a therapist.

There are people who help me with this.

So that it just gets less and less.

And if you have a really good therapist

and coach, then it's absolutely possible

to decrease the yelling that you don't even,

that you don't even feel like that's the only way

to make me hurt in this house.

I have to yell. And that's also something a lot

of parents think and say, you know, if you would just listen

for the first time, then I wouldn't have to yell.

But there's so many other tools that we can use

when we know child development

because they're not listening,

because they don't want, their brains just can't.

Um, so it's learning about child development, learning how

to repair and to apologize in a different way

that really works with them and doing the work.

So as long as you're doing the work,

I promise it'll always be better than doing nothing.

Sam: Oh, it's incredible. So where can our listeners continue

to have conversations with you?

Where can they find you? What's the

best place for them to go?

Stefanie: The best place is on Instagram.

So you find me under, I am Stephanie Fernandez, Stephanie

with an F, and I'm also on Facebook.

I have a free Facebook group on conscious parenting

that's all about healing yourself.

I have a website, stephanie fernandez.com.

So I think if you Google me

and conscious parenting, there's many ways

that you can find me, but Instagram is the best.

Sam: Well, thank you so much for being here.

This was incredible, amazing.

I loved so much what you had to say,

and I know our parents are gonna love it too.

Stefanie: Thank you so much. It was nice being with you here.